my place :)

my place :)

I took this summer off to clear the mental clutter for a second, re energize, and evaluate. I can say that I am happy about my decision. For a good year, I was going and going. It was fight or flight and I had to get my beginning into gear. I went through a time of confusion, depression, obsession, stress, paranoia, insecurity, over confidence...everything., mainly bad, but that was because I was detoxifying myself of old people, old ways, old logic, and i have talked about that countless times. Withdrawals are gonna happen, especially since you were highly dependent on these things. Either way, I knew the direction I wanted to go in. It was change and it was a good change, because different is not always good, which is why I still kept sprinkles of old people, some old ways and old logic around.

I've finally evolved into that stage and I am home...my home...for now.

Knowing me, this will not be my home forever. Simply because, like my astrological sign, re-invention and rising from the ashes, new birth...happens a lot. My life goes in chapters. And it is that book we read where we finish one chapter, then when we get to the other, you read those few lines and it feels like you're in a whole different zone. BUT we still remember those previous chapters, we've turned pages so we could continue on therefore we don't hold on, but we still remember.

I say chapters because I know some of my peers are not turning pages but I want to believe that every one eventually turns pages in life and their life is not a significant run-on.

Even when the option has been presented to me to re-connect with certain old people, old ways, old logic...something tells me to turn it down or I would do it and feel horrible about it afterwards. At first I thought I was just being awkward, cold, mentally unstable, or a recluse. But then I figured out... I am actually moving on with my life. A lot of us do not know what that's like now-a-days because of things that still keep us deeply connected (twitter, facebook keepin the drama/reputations/unhealthy relationships alive and well). I've allowed myself to move on with my life and it freaked me out but I DID IT.

So now I am here. New phase. The beginning is here. I am excited and nervous. What did it? Me. This new beginning is not marked because there is a new "boo" in the mix, more money in the mix, more haters, or more swag. Although there is nothing wrong with those things, in fact, they can aid in finding yourself the new home. This is all inner, this is all me. I still need to adjust to the neighborhood, sleeping here, but it's better than the streets I used to dwell. Better than the houses of strangers, and which I always knew but now has been confirmed ... better than old place. This is gonna be interesting, experimental, heavy, profitable, and exciting.

i was reading something that was recommended about signs of spiritual awakening, which is such a beautiful thing. I consider the age of 18 to be the time I first began my spiritual awakening. What I read talked about certain feelings that I have ironically been feeling over the past year or so and it explained how I was cleaning out my past, shedding, and becoming a new me. Not that I have no connection to who I used to be because although I go through changes I am still the same in some ways. I can look at myself back then and know who that was and some traits have carried on, some have not, not a lot of people carried on but still...some have, some habits came, some habits went. I am now feeling the effect and the benefit of what I set out to do with my self all along and I can say that it was a hard road because shedding that skin is not easy, it is not something you plan ahead of time to do, it comes to you as an epiphany and you begin the process. Nothing feels like "just yesterday", at least the things that do not matter anymore. Lots of things are new to me and the world around me does not look the same. Irrelevant people from the past do not look the same, I don't look at them with the same eyes, and when they see me they feel like they're talking to another. It is for the better and I am learning to trust my life. I have let go of a lot of things and am trying to change the way I think about others, also.

I'm not as consumed in my ego as I used to be which is great thing because I never considered myself an egotistical person in the first place...however, there is always room for improvement. Ego is a big issue, especially today with the emergence of social networking, so many are caught up in their image it is sickening, but I've been there too so who am I to judge. This entry is here nor there. All I know is, I am coming out of a phase that I had to go through. There will be times where I have those days but they will be seldom because I am on a new journey in general.

through

through

what can i say

the connection is heavy right now

rightfully so...going by what i know.

you're thinking about me, i am thinking about you

not on no love shit though

but....you know.

it always amazes me , it seems my mind and body has a period of time until it goes back to "you" mode again... and right around that time our time comes once again...but it'll never come this time...so what are we gonna do... it's gonna be a tough month, but we'll get through.

therapy.

therapy.

no.

can't go back

can't backtrack

can't do that.

might cry

it's cool

but i can't look back

i've been going this far to get warped in that timezone

where the clock is forever stopped

going absolutely no where

so no, i can't.

i won't.

i won't do the what if

i won't fear the what not's

it is what is

i listened to my heart

it told me to run

i did

and felt great

won't regret now

won't stop now

i can't

i'm evolving

i'm rising

i'm smiling

i'm trying

i'm evolving

fuck.

fuck.

my journey

your journey

their journey

our journey

different journeys

different destinations

different circumstances

therefore...different times

and none of those can be measured with the same stick

remember that.

lesson learned.

lesson learned.

second chances?

not again

well...not right now

i cannot afford that

i used to never even give them out

but i did

too many

and was let down

lesson learned

you fuck me, you done.

everything happens for a reason.

cant do the I.O.U.'s

im in debt.

what happened was

they tried to make me feel bad

for turning my back

and i marinated on it ... not realizing THAT

that was not a genuine need for sympathy, but a move caused by selfishness

a move caused by pride, because they could not fathom themselves not being on the list in my life

they could not take me taking that break

they just had to show their face

cause at the end of the day, it is all about them.

They must be in that picture.

Lesson the fuck learned.

let go.

let go.

LET GO

...let it go!

Just let it go.

Holding on to a situation that is way past 'gone'.

But you don't know.

Cause you won't let go!

Reach inside the center , that feeling of stress, despair, bitterness, confusion, where everything is brewing

pull it out

let it go

throw it away

it will disappear

in mid air

LET GO

What's keeping you? (you)

LET GO!

It's very easy, you're just holding on ...hard.

Let it go...

So you can go [on]...

And blessings, peace, sanity, love, positivity...can come.

But only if you let go.

You must let go.

"I'm still not here."

Never try to find yourself in others, never let yourself lie in others.

It's not good.

It's good to acknowledge that there are people that can be a big part in a pivotal, happy part of your life that helped you find more of yourself. But never can you find all of you in someone else.

Because what is gonna happen when they are gone?

Abruptly.

You'll be gone.

You'll be lost.

Blank minded, cold hearted.

But the good thing is...once one realizes this they can move forward.

Sometimes you have to accept your situation in order to move away from it.

This is real, this is what is going on, but it does not have to be that way. Nonetheless, it is what is going on. Change it.

The great thing is...once one realizes this they can move forward.

Karma is real to me.

But the reality is also...not everyone gets it.

There are people who sleep well at night knowing they did one wrong.

There are some that go on and live their best life after living a shady one.

Let it go.

Once we realize this we can move forward.

noo.

noo.

while searching for something on google

i accidentally stumbled upon a jail report of someone i knew in high school

very popular girl, younger than I. we were in between friend and associates.

i recognized the name and clicked because I was curious. that whole name is not common

same age.

same location.

arrested for what?

prostitution

not just once though

not just twice either

that's all I'll say about that.

one thing though

a simple search will lead you to her name

which is just down right wrong

& she can't know

because she is on these social networking sites flossing how much dough she's got

and how she's an entrepreneur . . . i remember telling my friend "i knew she would make it" after seeing and hearing about her 'accomplishments'

bottom line is

i knew this girl on a personal level

and knew about her lust for life , fame, and money as did most people

but her true dream did not get fulfilled and she has been succumbed into this lifestyle

which is heavily money motivated. which is alright. i understand. do what you have to do to get where you need to be. i understand that itch when things are not moving fast enough and 9-5's are not doing it for you.

but damn. damn. damn.

typical story: move away to where no one knows you and start a new life trying to make it doing things like that....I've heard about that story. Kind of like the strippers right out of high school type story.

i expected that from this person, but only as a last resort & not so soon.

now her looking cracked out lately, dramatic name change, empty gaze and isolation all makes sense now.

we are all growing up

and you just never know what is going on anymore

the fronts we put on just to appear that we're staying afloat

the things we do just to avoid the struggles, effort, and pains that come from growing up

the things we do to get paper to impress people that don't care about us, just so we can post about it

and it was all good a few years ago

she does in fact have the life that most of us do want, but what she's giving up for it is not worth it to most of us

that thrill chase is a motherfucker.

Oops.

Oops.

She burned so many bridges trying to find her way back home

But she burned so many bridges that the smoke was overbearing

clouded her vision

now she can't find her way back home.

Smoke filled her lungs now she might not even make it home.

Oops.

"i'm the drug in your veins, just fight through the pain"

you only want that when this doesn't want you.

it has the security you yearn for, that stability

but stability does not keep you there

which is why you cheat and stray, leaving her in the dust

i rather her have that part of you.

cause deep down i never wanted any parts of you.

for real.

i'm not bashing, because i in fact do [?] you

I don't know what to call it.

she's ms america

church chick

straight A's

perfect

in love with the idea of committed relationships

loves the idea of marriage

she wants to live a fairytale

i on the other hand

don't do church

struggle with my grades

flawed as hell

never romanticized relationships and marriage

yet i make you feel you're in a fairytale everytime you're with me

i don't know.

I have the potential to give you everything you need but I'm not sure if you deserve that. So until then, you will remain in limbo. I mean...unless you decide to get out...but by then I won't even care.

lol.

lol.

i have to vent & put this negative shit into the universe. i mean hey, it's a gloomy day, why not?

i'm not angry

i'm just disgusted

at your cheap look and cheap looking crew

i'm not that superficial

but i see you

still trying to get put on

still trying to convince every one that you're on

that you're fly

you're not

you're a chicken

you roll with chickens

chickens can't fly

i see em, lookin for a come up

chasing ballers

you all

have watched way too much basketball wives

way too much bad girls club

way too much real housewives

way too many kardashian episodes

after you dissed me and acted as if you were above

you're too grown

honey, please

why?

because i'm not in v.i.p

because you never see me?

because i work where i do?

if you only knew

the few very important people that know me vs. the average many that know you

yea, so fuck v.i.p, jet setting, and such

i am here

on my shit

you are still...spending your time trying to LOOK like you're living a certain way

you are still...boasting about your haters and the many that wanna be like you

you are still...doing young girl shit

you are still...competing with others

you are still...posting shit to impress people that you don't like

you are still...caught up in 'swag'

it's cool.

that was me once

and i dropped your ass cause it wasn't about to be me anymore

and i regretted it until i saw that...you are on the same ol shit

you remind me of those girls that try so hard to look like money but end up looking a cheap, ghetto, excessive mess. it's weird cause you're so caught up in this swag shit and you look like that. smh. you try too hard. you and your ghetto fabulous crew.

last winter i met up with a CEO of a sports/entertainment management company to discuss a possible opportunity. someone you probably would have bent over for and spread your nasty ass legs over. anyway, he spoke of people "rotating at the bottom", those who think they're getting to the top but are just rotating at the bottom...all you baby girl. He wanted to fuck, i said no thanks. I should have gave him your number.

and if you knew about all of this you'd probably be in my face again

i'll keep it movin

i'm not too good for you

but you thought you were too damn good for me

you had life fucked up

music and my life.

music and my life.

my speech class buddy asked if i blog

i said yea

she said do people read

i said no

it's kind of like how we write in our notebooks, we know no one is gonna read this shit

i got followers on tumblr though

class was over

over to anthro

where i would daydream about the bomb ass music i discovered!

i love jhene's new mixtape, "sailing souls". I've liked her ever since her "No Love" days with B2K.

In other news, I am on the late train but this hip-hop collective from Los Angeles called OFWGKTA, is about to takeover very fast and I am happy because it shows that the game is about to change really quick if they're received well. I mean come on, Beyonce, The Neptunes on the bandwagon? Labelheads reaching out to em. Kanye hailing this as the video of 2011:

and then there's the R&B side of this collective which gives me life

Downloaded both mixtapes of these individuals. There are way more artist in this collective but these are my favorite so far. The industry is in dire need of change from the overtly sexual songs, club songs, bitches and hoe songs, hood songs, poppy songs. This collective is a breath of fresh air to me.

spiritual equal.

spiritual equal.

we are so free minded

we belong to nothing

we belong to everything

we belong to no specific religion

we belong to no body

you loved me, cause i set you free.

not too sure if you were the one for me.

do we belong to eachother?

don't know

don't care

time will tell

you're the only one who had me , cause you actually got me

you're the only who got me, cause you actually had me

me...ME

took me as i was

everyone else...has tried to mold me into this, that, make me believe this, that. ask me why this, that, give me ultimatums, trap me

you just let me be

they told me to hold on

try back

get back

fuck that.

"something like that?

rare

act like you care."

but i know

and you know

that if it's meant

it'll be

i let it flow

you let it be

we don't need answers, we don't need promises, we don't know time.

others try to hold it down, twist it, not broken but they still try to fix shit...

give eachother limits...

cause that's how it's "supposed to go"

we despise that word

that was our "problem"

i don't know.

don't care.

time will tell.

so the fuck what and what the hell is your problem?

so the fuck what and what the hell is your problem?

woke up this morning

from the eventful night i had in regards to my internship

yeah

from 5 star hotels, 5 star dinners, important people, getting paid for 15 minutes more than you make in 1-2 days to this...

now the morning is fine

i opened up my windows, played my favorite tunes, and just vibed

but as time approaches

i start to lose my peace

i start to lose my freedom

it gets closer to the time i go in for my actual "job"

and all i can think is "i'm sick of this shit"

i've been working for 2 years and for one year it has come to the point where these jobs are a waste of my damn time.

what fulfillment can i get out of picking up shit for people and helping them get to their fitting rooms

snooty ass people

"but you're making money"

so the fuck what

this money is not enough to accommodate the precious time i've been wasting, i could be working towards something else from 2 damn 30 to 9 damn 30

and honestly what the fuck is their problem thinking someone wants to be stuck in that same spot for that damn long. why would you do that to me? what the hell is your problem?

love my manager, but i despise her, like...seriously, this is your life. this is your life everyday. I don't wanna be like you in a couple of years. But then again not everyone wants to do what I wanna do.

My mother, does not understand why I put more energy into something that gives me life than something where i am behind a damn podium for 8 hours. Because she's simple ass minded and does not know how to live only survive. Fuck that. I was complaining how i was not looking forward to work her response was "make that money girl", i'm not a fucking slave, what the hell is your problem?

this will be the last of this shit!!!

i'm a free ass spirit

and if i have to bum it out and cater to my dreams so be it.

wrong

wrong

that's not what i wanted

no.... it wasn't what i needed

that was just an intermission

...cause i felt defeated

tried to give you the impression everyone was leavin

show was over

i would go backstage, undress, go home, and sleep well.

But no.

Everyone's gone

The lights are off

I'm in the dark

Still on stage

Acting

Like i don't care.

Trying

to get to the bottom of this.

And I finally did.

It's time...to begin, the long process

Of taking off my costume, packing up, and finding my way back home

Cause my bus is gone.

It's great cause I need nothing I came with.

It was a rough ending

Started new beginnings

Hard time mending

That broken heart of mine...

Cracks still remain

But there is no pain

I confuse wonder with regret

What if we're not done yet?

If you came back would I even wanna get

you back.

Short lived

But you made me live

Like no other.

Topped every bar that was set

From the last one and yet

I still

couldnt get it right.

Set the prerequisite for that rebound...

Happy cause I found new ground...

Became engulfed, cause he also was before you...

"Yay, we're back on"...then it dawned on me that he wasn't you.

He had no clue

I did neither

Made me realize

Me and him didn't have the same eyes

We didn't see things the same way

Thought I let go of yesterday

and i did

but your impact still lived.

& I thank you for that

Ran away and i never looked back.

You made me realize and require a more deeper connection, introspect, and made me grow. You don't even know.

Re-Inspired, out of my mind, just in time

Re-Inspired, out of my mind, just in time

I've just been re-inspired.

I am slowly feeling myself transitioning into another phase of my life, of my self.

I am feeling ready to expose my talents a little and will indulge in them fully in regards to my major, my associates, and things I do.

2011, is not my year but it is the year that will make the next mine.

2010 was very rough on me and now is the time where I begin my healing, introspect, and self reflect. An understanding of why I went through what I've been through is coming and I am happy. Still struggling, but happy.

Music is my healer, I just wanna say that. I have been listening to lots of Erykah Badu, Maxwell, De La Soul, Eric Benet, Jill Scott lately...things that I would listen to anyway but not so heavily. And it's definitely therapeutic and sparks my writing side again, which has been muted for a minute. I still have lots of things to figure out before I evolve but I am close.

Everytime I go through a rough patch I rise from the ashes and become a better me. This has happened before, years ago, and I never thought I'd hit a bump again but I did. The good thing about experiencing these obstacles at a young age and getting through it is that I know there is a brighter day and I know that I can pass this because I have before.

This year is the year that I explore my true artistry and embrace that side instead of putting it on hold for more "realistic" things according to people who do not matter.

2010

2010

I died in 2010.
2010... the year I figured out I didn't know shit
The year I figured out I wasn't shit.
The year I figured out he wasn't shit, neither was he, he wasn't shit either.
The year I figured out that bitch and that bitch wasn't shit.
The evolution has been rough.
I'm just telling it like it is.

2010 was the year I departed with my 2004 to 2009 dead weight and even that 1995 overweight, dead weight, bitter, SKANK.

Blank sheet, it most definitely is. If not...damn near.
The youth, my friends, little by little, is being sucked out of my eyes.
I saw this ugly world.
Recognized my empty ambition.
Recognized my intuition.
Became a recluse
And got way too comfortable in a skin that wasn't my own.

Confusing right?

2010 was the year I got dropped on my ass from my High School mentality, the little that was left from 2009.

2010 was the year that I dined at expensive restaurants, spent time with important people, competed, felt defeated, created an action plan, went for it, succeeded...with grace...surprised myself. Doesn't mean a thing.

2010, you can stick a needle in each and every body part but I would not move because I was so numb.

2010 was the year that shit got too real.
The evolution has been rough.
I had been thrown in the middle of nowhere to find herself again
She's in 2011!