i took a bath tonight

instead of a shower

i stayed in there for what seemed like an hour

it's raining outside

the water was warm

the water was calm

i got out feeling so good

i floated towards my bedroom

threw off my towel and threw myself on the bed

50 degrees and raining outside, no heat, naked, in my bed

this mysterious warmth inside of me kept me from freezing

i closed my eyes

why was i smiling?

as i started to drift into my thoughts on the way to sleep

i noticed this feeling in my chest

this thump that was dancing, i even felt in my upper back

i heard something

something i hadn't heard so loud in such a long time

i studied it

then it became a bit familiar

it was my heart beating

it was racing

thats when i knew...that i might be falling for you

that heartbeat will silence in due time

we probably won't be because you're too chicken shit to do anything

your insecurity and lack of aggression will equate to zero progression

and it'll just be a factor of what could have been

and you'll just be a fling on my list.

the end.

Stay outta my business. No?

Stay outta my business. No?

When it comes to goals and what I plan to do. I have learned to keep certain things to thy self! There are certain people out there that are literally bitter because their life did not turn out how they wanted it to and will do everything they can to belittle your ideas and discourage you. For me? It's worked, but only to a degree. Not everyone is a vulture though. Some people are actually giving you advice but that's when you have to look at them as a person and determine what their motives are from there. Usually, you can tell if a person is there to help or hurt. Are these people only giving you reasons why it won't work out for you? Are these people telling you how you can make what you're trying to achieve better? Or are they telling you both?

The people closest to you can be the most jealous, family included.

Some of us even try to keep all of our goals and plans to ourself but you have those people who stick their nose where it does not belong. Putting their negativity in all places you did not ask for it to be in. Constantly asking questions disguised as genuine concern when it's only an opportunity to find the next chance to bring you down. Call me a narcissist, but I never thought people actually cared about others to the point they would take out so much time that they could be spending on themselves to break others down. I don't.

Sometimes it's hard to contain your goals and ambitions and you wanna tell someone your idea so bad but just know who to tell it to. I have only two people that I know have my best interest at hand that I tell these certain things to and even then I never tell them everything (I just don't believe in doing that unless they're somehow involved). They give me constructive criticism which I take like a champ. In life, there are few people that genuinely want the best for you.

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions

This year was literally a .... storm, as I like to put it.

My life changed just like I wanted it to at the beginning of the year.

As I get older my goals get bigger and bigger. It's scary. I think of all my magnificent plans for next year and think "This is huge, is this really what it's come to?" Or am I just being that good ol' dreamer. I'll see in 2012. I went from being stuck in the beginning of the year only focusing on the gym and boys to actually getting my foot in the door and providing a stepping stone for myself. (Had a wakeup call) One thing that is pissing me off though...

School. Must take care of that by next year, I have never been a school person unless it had something to do with English and the Arts. I'm not orderly either so that creates a bad formula for education but I am making due, done with my major requirements for this fall so now I just need to smooth out some kinks and figure what school I'd like to go to. I would love to go out of state but I have huge plans for Los Angeles. I'm into my major, but not into my major, therefore my approach to school varies. I know it's something I have to do though.

This year I got my foot in a door that I have never believed I would. I had an internship offer with MTV also but could not take that up for school purposes. (Glad I didn't! Way too busy) Which brings me to the current internship I have now and will have for a minute. Met the two greatest supervisors who give me life and two wonderful girls who inspire me. It's like a whole nother life when I'm out there, work overlooks the hollywood hills, we go to all of these cool events, not to mention I go to school nearby, so it's like I live a different way when I am on that side of town and then I come to this boring hometown, work, and live a regular life. It's all good, it pushes me.

I also said I wanted to change my circle this year. It did change, I don't have a "circle" now. Will later, it comes naturally. Social life suffered, but everything else went up big time. It's amazing how things happen when you meditate on it so hard.

What is so weird about my life is that my new year is literally a new damn year. It's so subconscious but it happens that way for me. Therefore I believe in resolutions because why? It works for me.

My resolution for 2011 is to finally put living my best life into gear, maybe not full gear, but A gear. The life that I have always dreamed of. A life beyond mediocrity. A life of happiness and profit, peace and progress. Ever have a great feeling about something but don't know what it is? That's exactly how I feel.

moon talk...

moon talk...

happy meal

that's all that was...

a happy meal.

:) In other news

I dream of quitting my job.

I dream of a day when I don't have to work orderly, predictable, usual, regular jobs

To be free so I could just do me

...but I understand that right now... I must do what I have to do to do what I want in the future.

Next year I must go out of state and eventually get to a point where I travel everywhere. It's an itch I need to seriously scratch. There's one place in particular that has been calling me ever since I was a little girl. It's a must do.

Lately I've been feeling Kid Cudi's album quite heavily lately. It definitely had to grow on me as did his last album. The more I listen to his music the more I realize how talented he is. I really did not mean to make this a blog about Kid Cudi but I realized he is doing something extremely different in regards to other black, male, artists in the game. His music is very reminiscent of a lot of 70's artist to me with the sincere captures of human emotion, stories, introspect, and honesty. This is also a very dark album so to speak in regards to the whole mood of it. You can definitely tell the changes in him if you listen to this album and listen to the first album. I had a moment where I got a little irritated with him because I felt he was not doing "real hip hop" but I decided to discount him as a hip hop artist and to just accept that he loves music and is an artist, which you can tell by his lyrics and melodies. With that said I have yet to listen to Kanye West's CD heavily which is pretty good also. I love Kanye but lately I've been really picky with the music I listen to. I really don't have the appetite to listen to braggadocios, oversexed, or violent lyrics...at least right now. That is not exclusive to Kanye West, just with other bullcrap that's out now. I'm just in a different phase in my life right now. I've been listening to a lot of Roy Ayers, Don Blackman, Gil Scott Heron, Sade, Maxwell, Theophilus London, Jon Coltrane and Duke Ellington...thinking, zone out, music. The only people hot right now that I can tolerate is Beyonce, Jay Z, Kanye and Wiz Khalifa.

With that said I'm gonna go take a bath, read, then sleep.