"I'm still not here."

Never try to find yourself in others, never let yourself lie in others.

It's not good.

It's good to acknowledge that there are people that can be a big part in a pivotal, happy part of your life that helped you find more of yourself. But never can you find all of you in someone else.

Because what is gonna happen when they are gone?

Abruptly.

You'll be gone.

You'll be lost.

Blank minded, cold hearted.

But the good thing is...once one realizes this they can move forward.

Sometimes you have to accept your situation in order to move away from it.

This is real, this is what is going on, but it does not have to be that way. Nonetheless, it is what is going on. Change it.

The great thing is...once one realizes this they can move forward.

Karma is real to me.

But the reality is also...not everyone gets it.

There are people who sleep well at night knowing they did one wrong.

There are some that go on and live their best life after living a shady one.

Let it go.

Once we realize this we can move forward.

noo.

noo.

while searching for something on google

i accidentally stumbled upon a jail report of someone i knew in high school

very popular girl, younger than I. we were in between friend and associates.

i recognized the name and clicked because I was curious. that whole name is not common

same age.

same location.

arrested for what?

prostitution

not just once though

not just twice either

that's all I'll say about that.

one thing though

a simple search will lead you to her name

which is just down right wrong

& she can't know

because she is on these social networking sites flossing how much dough she's got

and how she's an entrepreneur . . . i remember telling my friend "i knew she would make it" after seeing and hearing about her 'accomplishments'

bottom line is

i knew this girl on a personal level

and knew about her lust for life , fame, and money as did most people

but her true dream did not get fulfilled and she has been succumbed into this lifestyle

which is heavily money motivated. which is alright. i understand. do what you have to do to get where you need to be. i understand that itch when things are not moving fast enough and 9-5's are not doing it for you.

but damn. damn. damn.

typical story: move away to where no one knows you and start a new life trying to make it doing things like that....I've heard about that story. Kind of like the strippers right out of high school type story.

i expected that from this person, but only as a last resort & not so soon.

now her looking cracked out lately, dramatic name change, empty gaze and isolation all makes sense now.

we are all growing up

and you just never know what is going on anymore

the fronts we put on just to appear that we're staying afloat

the things we do just to avoid the struggles, effort, and pains that come from growing up

the things we do to get paper to impress people that don't care about us, just so we can post about it

and it was all good a few years ago

she does in fact have the life that most of us do want, but what she's giving up for it is not worth it to most of us

that thrill chase is a motherfucker.

Oops.

Oops.

She burned so many bridges trying to find her way back home

But she burned so many bridges that the smoke was overbearing

clouded her vision

now she can't find her way back home.

Smoke filled her lungs now she might not even make it home.

Oops.

"i'm the drug in your veins, just fight through the pain"

you only want that when this doesn't want you.

it has the security you yearn for, that stability

but stability does not keep you there

which is why you cheat and stray, leaving her in the dust

i rather her have that part of you.

cause deep down i never wanted any parts of you.

for real.

i'm not bashing, because i in fact do [?] you

I don't know what to call it.

she's ms america

church chick

straight A's

perfect

in love with the idea of committed relationships

loves the idea of marriage

she wants to live a fairytale

i on the other hand

don't do church

struggle with my grades

flawed as hell

never romanticized relationships and marriage

yet i make you feel you're in a fairytale everytime you're with me

i don't know.

I have the potential to give you everything you need but I'm not sure if you deserve that. So until then, you will remain in limbo. I mean...unless you decide to get out...but by then I won't even care.