Change

Change

I always thought change could be good
But is it good when it happens so fast, rapid, dramatically, that you don't recognize a lot of stuff you used to and it becomes a task to stay "grounded"?
I don't know...
Sometimes that dramatic change could have just been an epiphany huge enough to knock you out for a second then you wake up, realize nothing was what it seemed or there is something to be done with urgency...time to start from scratch again and that by itself can be a little strange.
I don't know.
A change different from a pre meditated change in where the change you planned on comes quicker than you think and takes on a life of its own and leaves you no choice to stand but back and just let it do it's thing ....for the action of interference might mess with your blessings that you do see coming to life. & the question is constantly asked "What are you gonna do with me? Am I really gonna go where it looks like?" but one must trust and learn to let go. A change such as this for someone who is used to having a grip on when things stop when things go can be really strange.
I don't know...
Sometimes you surprise yourself ...and keep surprising yourself to the point where the next possibility seems too good to be true...you're expecting the unexpected from YOU...which is weird because you've always expected what was to be expected and the expected was always the worse. Isn't it better to expect the worse?
I don't know.
When you start all over with a blank sheet, something you thought you never would be doing and you see things start unintentionally going in the direction satisfying to your needs all along...it's like life telling you "Before this...you were wrong...you were wrong about them, you were wrong about this, you were just wrong." That's strange in the beginning...it makes you question what if what I am doing right now is "all wrong"? The answer to that is to not be too concerned...You were wrong, past tense. This is the present, this is right now which means you're right now. Live in your past and you'll always be wrong. Hmmm....

That's life...most things that might have been right in the past are more than likely gonna be wrong in the present, that philosophy is your future, and somehow all of these factors create the perfect formula to learn from...that concludes to no right or wrong answer, but an answer nonetheless. I'm learning.

13.

13.

Random BS for the day :)

When I was 13, I thought Beyonce was the most beautiful, talented thing walking on this Earth
Now: She's still great but I'm not obsessed...by a long ass shot lol

When I was 13, I thought I was in love
Now: I'm in love with my dreams and fell out of love with that thing a while ago

When I was 13, I had discovered N*E*R*D
Now: I'm a full blown fan

When I was 13, The Blueprint II was my favorite album out, Jay was my fav rapper
Now: He's still one of my fav rappers, I used to go hard for him back in the day

When I was 13, I used to make my shirts tighter by putting a rubber band around the back end of my shirt and rolling it under

Now: The shits tacky! Saw someone with their shirt like that at my job...w/ a hair tie...are you still serious? I didn't have enough body to fill out a loose shirt for a while so I always liked tight shirts and tight clothing until I blossomed a bit.

When I was 13, I loved Timbs ( had em in all sorts of colors), Jordans, button ups, and bubble jackets
Now: I'll do some sneaks or chucks here and there but it's mainly sandals, flats, and heels.

When I was 13, Bow Wow - Baby seemed like the soundtrack of my life
Now: I realized I was being very dramatic and he's a cornball to me.

When I was 13, My parents bought me a charm bracelet from Tiffany's that got stolen
Now: I feel bad about it and don't understand why my parents weren't mad

When I was 13, I was a vegetarian
Now: I'm trying (struggling) to get back to those good eating habits

When I was 13, I wanted a dude like Scarface
Now: I can see the point in that long lecture my mom gave me when I told het that

When I was 13, I was still playing video games
Now: Nope.

When I was 13, I had a lot of guy friends
Now: They don't exist and it's damn near impossible to maintain one without someone catching feelings.

When I was 13, I couldn't even imagine talking to a guy 2 years older than me and up
Now: I love older men.

When I was 13, I sat both of my parents down and explained to them why I will be having a boyfriend even though I was not allowed to & how it was needed.
Now: I never even got with the dude

So many other ridiculousness occurred at that time.
If my 20 year old self could tell my 13 year old self some things it would be to not lose her academic determination (I cared about good grades at that time), beware of who I befriend, and rise above the drama and negativity that was occurring in my life at that time. Lots of stuff I could not control was going on including non sense that I could have. I used to be the sulky type. Glad I learned. What would you tell your 13 year old self?

No Clue.

No Clue.

I was watching Eve's Behind the Music episode today which was really good and inspiring. She was talking on how naive she can be in regards to people and their intentions & since she thinks people are generally supposed to do the right things or use common sense she thinks everyone thinks the same so in turn they do the same. Everyone knows this is not true and even she does but sometimes I can be this same exact way. Not necessarily naive in that aspect but when it comes to people and doing dumb shit. Such as lying about your life online. I had no idea that there were so many people that did this that I know (that's what it was) until a few people have told me "stories" about it and the more stories I hear, the more I'm worried (not really). From what I'm hearing this lying usually takes place in status updates on twitter and facebook (mainly) & that blows me away even more because you are connected with people that actually know your ass. What the fuck and why? Some of us, esp our generation, are so obsessed on keeping up with the jones' that we will definitely lie about our possessions and portray the lifestyle of lavish whereabouts & $$$ just to impress one another. Oh, and what's really bad about it is that the people we're trying to impress are people we do not like. Now that I think of it I actually knew someone who posted about he/she being out of the country all the while they were 20 minutes away. I can't lol....I just can't. I thought this was a rarity but according to gossip it really isn't. It's funny and sad at the same time. Goodness, the stories I'm hearing.

Creating a physical facade is one thing, it's not healthy, but it's not that crazy as someone talking about certain far-fetched purchases and activities that they really don't have and are not doing. My naivete with these kind of situations is when I think that no one in their right mind would wanna do these things because at the end of the day it's still you and your normal little self and that should make someone feel so phony but I guess not. & yeah okay, these stars do the same thing but they get paid to sell fantasies. It's just like the people that live beyond their means just to appear that they "got it" and are in debt or really have nothin in the bank (I can go on about these damn people). Some people really believe in fakin it. Shits funny.

Sometimes I wanna just book a flight to the city (outside of my state) of my choice and start a new life. Not because I hate life here but because it's just something I want to do. Start from scratch, with nothing, no job over there, no home, and see what I can make happen. It's cool to know that there are actually people that do these things...but I'm actually acquiring some cool opportunities, tiny, tiny steps are being made but considering my goals... anything tiny can take you a long way when it comes to what I'm trying to do. I noticed that I dream BIG. I have never had "normal" goals and sometimes I wish I had and I've tried to but it's just not for me. I ended up clueless and it's okay to be clueless sometimes but a lot of us are only clueless because we know the answer but are afraid of taking the certain steps needed in fear of failure or just plain old laziness. Big dreamers who actually go after their dreams are the bravest people to me. They have so many people telling them 'this and that is usually impossible to achieve unless you do/know this or that' but they say "fuck it" and go for it anyways. Thing about these dreams that are scary is that they aren't that safe...it's either a big win or a huge fail. Doesn't mean you cannot get back up though. Big dreamers encounter so many doubters in life for not being typical or "Realistic" but always remember not to let the simpletons take over your judgment. It's not worth it. I always end up posting about things I didn't intend to. SMH.

Full Circle: The Media & our Moods

Full Circle: The Media & our Moods

Sometimes I wonder with this little world we live in...how much impact does the media really have on our lives? I already know that answer.

• If we turned on the news tomorrow and they were rejoicing on how the recession has magically ended & everything was going to be okay would everyone think the same?
• If we turned on the news tomorrow and they posted a warning about a growing nation wide panic regarding food shortage, how many people would get up and start looting and rioting for food just because "they" said it?
• With all this 2012 propaganda being displayed I honestly think there are gonna be a bunch of foolies the day 2012 strikes or Dec 21 2012 arrives that will cause some chaos to come into existence.

I was talking to a former news reporter the other day who was very tight lipped about why he/she resigned but one of the reasons was because of the Terrorism/Sept 11th scare. He/She was being told to report false news, exaggerated news, all sorts of propaganda to scare us. The purpose of it and my opinion is a whole 'nother entry but it's amazing how they had the country shitting themselves every morning when they would report the security color of the country. I remember when it would go from blue one day to orange the next day and me being the perceptive teenager I was at the time, it would scare me and I would wonder how in one day can we be free of a terrorist attack then we're capable of a full blown terrorist attack the next day. Just thinking back on that it was so ridiculous, the Osama Bin Laden videos (are we still looking for him?), the "Shock and Awe" coverage when we were going to war, them telling us the color codes regarding the security of the country but not telling us exactly why and how it got to that point for that day, Bush and his "we're gonna kick their ass" speech it was just one big freakin circus. Now you rarely hear about terrorism compared to the previous decade. What happened all of a sudden? Just like you don't hear about swine flu unless they feel like bringing it to the platform...what happened to that?

I'm pretty sure any smart person can differentiate between sensationalism and realism but there are still a lot of people out there that trust what anyone on the television is telling them. Why is it that we are so quick to trust these people feeding us information on the television without questioning or doing extensive research? Because I have definitely been that person at one point and can still be that person. Reality is reality, period, we are not in that good of a place...it is what it is but it's always good to question what is being fed to you.

We're living in a world now where we cannot trust anything unless it is validated by someone behind a television screen or a computer screen. For ex: my friend was talking to me about a woman who saw with her own eyes the twin towers being destroyed but she had to turn on the television to verify if what she was seeing is real. A lot of us have this mentality! How many of us have not trusted what a person said they were up to because it was not posted via facebook,myspace,blogger,twitter,aim etc? Human v Machine, that's what it's coming to these days and ironically our actions are reflecting it

i used to fake sick for this

i used to fake sick for this

Because when I would come home Nick Jr. just was not on. Mom would pick me up from daycare at in the evening and of course there were times for Rugrats and the like but shows like Little Bear, Franklin, and especially Blue's Clues were crack to me back then and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I was a little girl.

No doubt when I was actually sick it was the best thing on earth. Bed, Nick Jr., mom's catering to me. Yes.

The feeling I got knowing faking my sore throat worked when the nurse called my mom to pick me up was euphoric. I would sit on the cot and just smile to myself, yes, I get to go home.

Moms would pull up and I'd try so hard to fake it, get in the back seat of her then Mitsubishi and ride home. She would see me smiling and ask "why you smilin? you aren't sick." Whatever, we're home already. Hopped in the bed watched Nick Jr. and when that went off it was onto BET for the music videos :) Back then when it was channel 23.

& Thou shall get over it. Right? Right.
"I don't work my ass off to stay the same" and that is how it shall remain. Furthermore...

This internship is something that I am very excited about but has me feeling high and low, well, overwhelmed. Things are looking up and when you get that one thing that allows you to get your foot in the door it is so refreshing. It's like a room that you want to stay in but don't know how to get in, you finally get a key :D & I'm just excited to get a peak into the entertainment world.

With things like this come obstacles and people that think that you're on your way to fame and money (fame is not what I strive for and I am no where NEAR the entertainment glam world) so they hop on the bandwagon. I've heard "get me my own reality show/show" 5 times when I have broke the great news to people that were close to me. "I'm about to be famous" I just wonder what leads people to think it's about them ? ... and where they pick up the nerve to say that. That's not how you get what you want!

insomnithoughts

insomnithoughts

Ever since I could remember I've lived with the idea that "nobody cares"
There's a lot that caused that but that's a couple of long stories

Some people really take their problems in vain
Every away message, facebook status, and tweet is about a damn problem
Never anything optimistic, never a good day
The cries get more foolish when they don't get the attention they want

Where was I going with this...

At the end of the day
Nobody cares
You can feel sorry for yourself and stay on the ground
Aint no one gonna pick you up
& if someone does get you up
it's only temporary
something else is gonna kick you down
you need to learn how to stand on your own, stand your ground, and get right back up when you get kicked down
Cause at the end of the day nobody cares
It's all on you...to love and care for yourself

*smile*

*smile*

Thinking about the people that are currently in my tight knit circle. There are those that are great and there are those that truly matter, the one's where if you take out of my life, I would not know some of the things that I know now , have some of the characteristics that I do, or remember such events that make up my life...but this is about them, the others, and everything else... as always.

"I'm happy for you"
To be happy for someone is truly a gift. It is not something that everyone can do. Most people cannot be happy for another person. Some fail to see the goals that their peers are achieving and the happiness that their peers are experiencing as a push for themselves, a surge of postivity, or for what it is. Some will go as far as cognitively making excuses to support their "facts" of why the person does not deserve it. To be happy for someone is most def a virtue. It takes so much out of some people to admit that someone close to them is doing big things.

I look at people who are currently in my life right now and love to see the things that are being accomplished. It feels so good to see my friends blossom into adulthood. It's amazing to see someone you grew up with get over and get through the things we stayed up on the phone all night thinking we'd never get over. We're no longer silly little girls and one by one we are accomplishing our dreams. Through thick and thin you should always try hard to keep your relationships with these types of people. There's no other people that can tell me what was going on with me then and can tell me what's going on with me now.

and i'm sleepy and lost my train of thought (watching Wayne's behind the music)

truth.com

truth.com