my place :)

my place :)

I took this summer off to clear the mental clutter for a second, re energize, and evaluate. I can say that I am happy about my decision. For a good year, I was going and going. It was fight or flight and I had to get my beginning into gear. I went through a time of confusion, depression, obsession, stress, paranoia, insecurity, over confidence...everything., mainly bad, but that was because I was detoxifying myself of old people, old ways, old logic, and i have talked about that countless times. Withdrawals are gonna happen, especially since you were highly dependent on these things. Either way, I knew the direction I wanted to go in. It was change and it was a good change, because different is not always good, which is why I still kept sprinkles of old people, some old ways and old logic around.

I've finally evolved into that stage and I am home...my home...for now.

Knowing me, this will not be my home forever. Simply because, like my astrological sign, re-invention and rising from the ashes, new birth...happens a lot. My life goes in chapters. And it is that book we read where we finish one chapter, then when we get to the other, you read those few lines and it feels like you're in a whole different zone. BUT we still remember those previous chapters, we've turned pages so we could continue on therefore we don't hold on, but we still remember.

I say chapters because I know some of my peers are not turning pages but I want to believe that every one eventually turns pages in life and their life is not a significant run-on.

Even when the option has been presented to me to re-connect with certain old people, old ways, old logic...something tells me to turn it down or I would do it and feel horrible about it afterwards. At first I thought I was just being awkward, cold, mentally unstable, or a recluse. But then I figured out... I am actually moving on with my life. A lot of us do not know what that's like now-a-days because of things that still keep us deeply connected (twitter, facebook keepin the drama/reputations/unhealthy relationships alive and well). I've allowed myself to move on with my life and it freaked me out but I DID IT.

So now I am here. New phase. The beginning is here. I am excited and nervous. What did it? Me. This new beginning is not marked because there is a new "boo" in the mix, more money in the mix, more haters, or more swag. Although there is nothing wrong with those things, in fact, they can aid in finding yourself the new home. This is all inner, this is all me. I still need to adjust to the neighborhood, sleeping here, but it's better than the streets I used to dwell. Better than the houses of strangers, and which I always knew but now has been confirmed ... better than old place. This is gonna be interesting, experimental, heavy, profitable, and exciting.

i was reading something that was recommended about signs of spiritual awakening, which is such a beautiful thing. I consider the age of 18 to be the time I first began my spiritual awakening. What I read talked about certain feelings that I have ironically been feeling over the past year or so and it explained how I was cleaning out my past, shedding, and becoming a new me. Not that I have no connection to who I used to be because although I go through changes I am still the same in some ways. I can look at myself back then and know who that was and some traits have carried on, some have not, not a lot of people carried on but still...some have, some habits came, some habits went. I am now feeling the effect and the benefit of what I set out to do with my self all along and I can say that it was a hard road because shedding that skin is not easy, it is not something you plan ahead of time to do, it comes to you as an epiphany and you begin the process. Nothing feels like "just yesterday", at least the things that do not matter anymore. Lots of things are new to me and the world around me does not look the same. Irrelevant people from the past do not look the same, I don't look at them with the same eyes, and when they see me they feel like they're talking to another. It is for the better and I am learning to trust my life. I have let go of a lot of things and am trying to change the way I think about others, also.

I'm not as consumed in my ego as I used to be which is great thing because I never considered myself an egotistical person in the first place...however, there is always room for improvement. Ego is a big issue, especially today with the emergence of social networking, so many are caught up in their image it is sickening, but I've been there too so who am I to judge. This entry is here nor there. All I know is, I am coming out of a phase that I had to go through. There will be times where I have those days but they will be seldom because I am on a new journey in general.